Dear Emily,

I have been married for almost nine years. My problem is, why do I still prefer masturbation to having sex with my wife? Is this a sign of abnormality? If it is, how could I change it to something more normal?

I believe I am a normal person. I have a permanent job and have normal thinking. At night, every time I want to have sex with my wife, she is already asleep and even snoring. Out of respect, I don’t want to disturb her just for sex. What should I do?

LONELY HUSBAND

This may sound naive, but the question is, isn’t self-service sex supposedly left in the realm of the pubescent, or for those late teen years when girls are not so into it yet, or even for confirmed singles who’ve lost the appetite to pursue any gender?

After nine years of marriage, your predicament is looking more like a problem already embedded in your psyche. Let’s not mince words because it is a problem—not only to you, but needlessly to your wife, as well. You are depriving her of the benefits of marriage she could be enjoying unabated together with you.

The shortest distance between two points is still a straight line, as we’ve learned in geography. Look deep inside your consciousness, and ask why you can’t talk to her about it. Have you opened up to her about this issue? Have you had a serious conversation about the infrequency or near absence of sex in your bedroom, if those are in fact the unalterable truths?

Was there ever a time when you both enjoyed sex at any given stage in your relationship? Was she receptive then? Do you know how to make her enjoy it? Or are you a “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am” guy? You know, someone who goes straight to the point and finishes without flourish?

Sex is not just like shaking hands. It is having all your senses present and being aware of what’s happening at that moment.

But can you be having something else at the back of your mind? Do you find your wife attractive enough to be turned on by her not just in bed, but at other times when just looking at her is sensual enough? Or, is there a grain of attraction for you in other men that you are trying to repress?

Those things happen and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. If there is a sliver of truth there, isn’t it about time you faced up to it and became this man you truly are?

However, if there’s nothing monumentally wrong with your marriage, like having galling arguments over money, raging physical and verbal abuse, or embarrassing infidelities, this problem with sex is still fixable. You just have to make the extra effort to correct whatever it is that is making it so. Talking can be the first step.

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