Dear Emily,

I am an only child and never had a boyfriend until after college. It was my history professor who courted me, starting with inspirational texts, then asking me to watch theater plays—together with my parents.

He was ultra nice to them and they liked him first. This slow-cook courtship actually suited a plain-looking, frumpy girl who had no social skills other than being my father’s alter ego in our family business.

I finally married him and we had two sons. We lived in my parent’s condo building and were the picture of a no-drama marriage. He never made me unhappy or jealous in our 15 years together. My generous parents allowed us to travel yearly—in their company, most of the time.

My husband, a lowly professor from a very humble family, became, over the years, this very sophisticated, worldly man whom friends respected for his knowledge of French wine and food and various art locales in Europe.

But I noticed he had only men friends and went out regularly three times a week with one of them. It never occurred to me to suspect anything—until a cousin of mine visiting from New York, after an absence of 20 years, remarked in passing how he found me a very open-minded woman to have married a gay man. It was a thunderbolt, because, in a flash, I was able to connect the puzzle.

I thought my husband’s effeminate demeanor was just a by-product of fine breeding. I never experienced passionate sex in bed and always felt like he just wanted to get it over with all the time. When I made comments on those torrid scenes in movies, he said they were just actors acting their parts.

I am now afraid of having those sex diseases. I haven’t confronted him yet about his other life because I am still in shock, but my parents already know what’s going on. I feel I’ve been robbed in this marriage.

Clueless Wife

Yes, possibly contracting that horrible collateral damage from his other identity is truly frightening. You don’t deserve it, given your generosity to him and the life with you he possibly could have only dreamed of.

Everything from this point on will hinge on you—whether you still love him, will accept him despite what you know now of him, and if your parents’ say on this revelation will have any effect on your decision.

You’re lucky to be financially independent and wouldn’t have to depend on him ever. It is probably your husband who will miss the golden cage he has been in—once he’s thrown out of it.

There’s a lot riding on this new development. But before you decide on anything, make it imperative that both you and he must undergo exhaustive tests for any possible disease.

Being gay is not an infection or a disability. It is just what he is, like having black hair, which your husband has no control of. He may have gotten married and had kids, but that is only a side dish in this buffet. The main course on his plate is his homosexuality and, like it or not, it’s there to stay.

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