Dear Emily,

My husband and I separated after 24 years of marriage. Our three kids are adults and living their own lives. He got his own place while I kept the house, so the kids would have a place to visit, we decided.

Though a very good provider, he never had time for me, and gave me so much grief during our marriage. Women pursued him because he was a looker.

After our separation, we hardly saw each other for 11 years. He was high up in the corporate world and was constantly busy.

Two years ago, he started living with a younger girlfriend. Then a year ago, after a trip to Europe, he called me to ask if we could have coffee because he had something for me.

Turns out he brought me my favorite chocolates from Brussels. I could very well buy those here, but I knew he just wanted to talk. That started an opening for us to be friends again. He’d call, or ask me to dinner, or go out of town with one of our kids. I was alone anyway and I liked that we were getting to be a family again.

One night, he called to say his girlfriend left after a nasty fight. It was none of my business, so I just listened while he vented. From there, he started visiting me more often, having lunches or dinners or just staying in watching Netflix. He suddenly had time to be with me!

He was like a completely different person. We were even planning on going away for a leisurely trip when his girlfriend called him and dropped the bomb that she was three months pregnant with his child.

I thought a ton of bricks fell on my head that moment. She begged him to come back to her, but he refused. He promised to support the kid, pending a DNA test after birth.

Just when I thought we were finally back on track, this had to happen. My husband was intent on giving me the life interrupted by the nonessentials he thought were important, and which destroyed our marriage.

But I am no longer sure if I still want it. I was already content with mine, going forward to my 60s without him. I even tried giving him another chance at it, but he blew it with this pending child. I am still weighing my options.

UNSETTLED

Ask yourself what is it that will give you the most rewarding, fulfilling and life-altering experience: having your husband back in your life again, this time, firmly secure of his devotion, or going back to that gnawing, mind-altering state again, never knowing if he will ever be faithful to you again, with his unsettled comings and goings?

It all depends on the stolidness of your patience, or the threshold of your remaining love for him.

Who are you exactly and what defines you at this point in your life?

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