Dear Emily,
My husband and I have been together since high school, went to the same university, and got married after graduation. We went on to havE three children. He managed his family’s construction business as the only son. His two sisters went on to marry their boyfriends who were also entrepreneurs.
Our marriage was comfortable. We socialized with our friends, went abroad as a family and were basically happy.
On our 30th wedding anniversary, I found out he was having an affair with a young single mother who had separated from her first husband when she became the mistress of a rich businessman. That affair lasted seven years. She met my husband at a party I didn’t attend.
My husband and I are both pushing 60 and overall, we’ve been happy all these years. He is a loving and generous man and I don’t want to make any move that will disintegrate our marriage because of this affair. I am being advised by well-meaning friends and family to kick him out of our house, but that will be our end if I do. Am I right in thinking he is just having a mid-life crisis, and if I were to keep my patience and understanding, he will think hard and not destroy our family for good?
—Patient Wife
I tip my hat to you for your optimism and not succumbing to the throw-away culture of many marriages today. You’re a wife of that age who had no trouble keeping her marriage vows intact. I’ve said it often that husbands are like homing pigeons and, after being a jerk for playing the field, would much rather go back to a comfortable home and feel the pampering they’ve been used to. They like regularity in their habits, like using their old toothbrush, wearing their snug slippers, and being on their warm side of that familiar bed.
Unless his wife’s incessant tugging of his conscience causes him guilt and shame, he’ll remain where his roots are, and possibly set a timer on this affair—eventually. Many wives in this situation who’d rather listen to friends and family actually regret being too quick on the draw, by kicking their husbands out of their homes. This has brought untold heartache, which could have been resolved had they only played the waiting game.
Do what you feel is right and don’t be afraid to make up your own mind. You know him better than anybody, and it’s only your decision that should matter. Trust your instincts.
