Take your hopes and dreams to astronomical (and astrological) heights. This month of October, we gaze deep into the stormy night sky with your hand in mine. Heed my psychic advice and you’re sure to thank your lucky stars (not really) for fulfilling those strong, independent Filipina dreams.

Aries 
(March 21 – Apr. 19)
I regret to inform you that today marks the end of your social life. As you lie in bed tonight, you may see your life flashing before your very eyes. Or maybe it’s just your utterly generic Instagram feed. I’m not so sure either.

Taurus
(Apr. 20 – May 20)
The things which once endeared him to you will ultimately be the reasons why you’ll loathe his very existence. Is he sensitive and caring? He’s also clingy and prying. You think he’s smart? He’s probably judging you right now for your favorite movies and TV series. You’re basically setting yourself up for disappointment. Try getting a cat, a crochet hook, a lifetime supply of wool yarn, and don’t forget the rocking chair.

Gemini 
(May 21 – June 20)
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Stop feeling bad about the things you’ve said “no” to. If anything, you might want to have a laugh about the people who’ve haplessly taken your place. Give yourself a rest, and consider schadenfreude as your newest source of pleasure.

Cancer 
(June 21 – July 22) 
Don’t even think about it. You’re as unfortunate as a student trying to grab a taxi at 7:00 p.m. on a Friday along EDSA. If you ever grow up to be a hero in doing so, Shonda Rhimes should be your biographer.

Leo 
(July 23 – Aug. 22) 
Learn to embrace fashion as an essential part of your cosmopolitan lifestyle. This season, we hear it’s hip to wear the skin of your enemies.

Virgo 
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Unlike Taurus, it pays to be a tad optimistic since this month is for you to thrive in. Positivity is key. Start by staring vacantly at those two lines on your pregnancy test kit.

Libra 
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
With all these resources around you, you can be the star of your own show. Start your dream project today. Redecorate your living room. Impress your friends with your home cooking. Just kidding—you don’t have any friends.

Scorpio 
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) 
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is what happens when you decide to salt the earth of his ex-girlfriend’s front yard garden out of sheer whim.

Sagittarius 
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
It’s not you. It’s the unnecessary ‘h’ in his first name. Besides, don’t expect to be pronounced wife and husband anytime soon when you and your friends can’t even pronounce his name without snickering at the jeje-ness of it all.

Capricorn 
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
It’s not exactly a good look when you pin the blame on others for your own mistakes. While this is not to say that you only have yourself to blame 24 hours a day, how would you like to be PNoy or Binay?

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) 
You are an alluring, intelligent, and fascinating woman of the world. You’re used to being in the spotlight and your candor mesmerizes everyone around you. That I, too, happen to be an Aquarius is just a minor detail.

Pisces 
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You tend to like things only as long as you’re not getting them. That’s because you mostly live for the hunt and not the prize. In other words, you’re a fucking cop-out. Every book on your shelf is half-read, you can barely commit to acting like a full human being half the time, and even your breakfast eggs are half-cooked. If by any slim chance you manage to finish this paragraph then maybe you deserve a medal. Well, at least you think so, for now.

Art by Dorothy Guya