DEAR EMILY,

I just want to share something very (un)usual. I’m in my mid-30s, married, but I am secretly falling for my officemate. He’s in his late 20s, married also, and I believe he has sensed my feelings for him. I think he has read between the lines from our conversations and the meaningful jokes I throw him.

Should I be frank about it and tell him directly how I feel?

—CONFUSED

GUY!

What are you really?

Do you feel you’re a girl trapped in a man’s body and had to do society right by getting married to get over your “duty” to your family? Or could you be just bored and are exploring to have some “unusual” fun outside of marriage?

Does your wife have an inkling of what your inclinations really are? Are you aware of the effect your (un)usualness could have on your family eventually?

These are not prudish questions or constipated-minded curiosity in these times of anything-goes. Just want to establish exactly where you stand.

If you’re only discovering your gay-ness now, then brace for a possible stressful and bumpy ride.

Listen. Just because another man seems amused and gets along pretty well with gay-jokes doesn’t always mean he is himself gay or gay-receptive. Some enjoy the disparaging jokes about gays and don’t necessarily connect the link that the jokester is himself even gay.

Couldn’t you be reading too much from the gaiety of this guy’s responses to you? This could after all just be a mirage—which you’re misinterpreting as a lush watering-hole.

Walk gingerly in this person’s midst and talk cautiously while opening up your feelings for him. He might turn out to be a homophobe, for all you know. Instead of gaining a lover, you might end up having an archenemy in the process.

For the moment, befriend him, sincerely and honestly, and see where it goes. There are many people who are going to be involved here.

Don’t gallop to conclusion and fall over the cliff—of disappointment later on!

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