DEAR EMILY,
I am 40 with one kid, and have been a widow for seven years. After my husband died, my high-school boyfriend and I reconnected six years ago. We’re the same age, but he is still single with no kids.
Our friends are glad for us, and they are all rooting for this relationship to succeed. He says he loves me every chance he gets. When we decided to live together six months ago, I thought this was the life I wanted—until one day when I checked his mobile phone.
I saw messages between him and a woman. They called each other “sweetie/sweet.” When I confronted him, he said they had been in a relationship for one year. He said he wanted to end it, but was looking for a way to make it as painless as possible.
Turned out he has been in a relationship with this girl for eight years, and that he is very much indebted financially to her and her family, most specially when he was an OFW.
When I found out about her, he ended it right there and then through a text message. I told him to talk to her, but he said it was not necessary. He said he was choosing me and has already decided to move forward and let go, and that he expected me to do the same.
I still get paranoid and ask him from time to time about this girl. He becomes irritated and gets so angry at me. He said that he doesn’t want to be reminded of his mistakes anymore, and just wants me to stop asking and talking about it.
I don’t know how to make him understand that I need to release my anger, hurt and confusion without him getting angry at me. He kept this from me for five years. He can’t just expect me to “switch off” my feelings because he chose me. How can I make him understand that I need someone to talk to about my hurt feelings, without him getting angry every time I talk about them?
—VV
Although you were clearly hurt like the other woman, worry about the bigger picture and what your future holds with this cad. He has been in a long-playing relationship with her way before you!
What could have made him walk away from her so coldly and without a glance at his past to boot? Were you a better provider than her? Is she herself married, the reason she couldn’t run after him when you came into the picture? How could she have thrown away an eight-year affair with him and yet still be a willing participant in this troubling “threesome?”
If you want to know the full story between him and her, you cannot be asking questions piecemeal, or only whenever your paranoia needles you.
You should be totally serious about it. Make him explain this concurrent affair—and let the good, the bad, and the ugly all come out. Get to the bottom of it, even if it hits you like a wrecking ball. If he talks and your brain cannot seem to connect the dots, then do what is best for you. Unload this burden on the wayside, with no ifs and buts, and move on as fast away as you can.
You’re a widow with a kid. Make this family of two your whole world. The love between yourself and your kid is the purest you can ever find.
Dispose of this jerk who thought he could insult your intelligence by lying for as long as he did; most importantly, for his lack of integrity, for his brazen audacity in discarding the other person who helped him through a difficult time—by text!
If he can do it once, what can prevent him from doing an encore?
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