DEAR EMILY,

I am a 54-year-old working wife with two daughters, ages 21 and 14. My husband is an engineer who travels during the week but never on weekends. Lately, however, his work has included weekends; he says the other parties involved are only available then.

I knew something was not right. I caught him through a text message sent by a girl. He admitted he was having a fling and promised to leave her. A week later, another text message from the girl confirmed that they were still very much on.

I got our eldest daughter involved when I confronted him. He again promised to leave the girl—which I didn’t believe. They have photos together which he keeps in his wallet. A year ago, my maid spotted the same girl outside our house. He tried to deny her presence but later confessed that it was the same girl.

Now she’s eight months pregnant. He said he did it because he wanted to have a son, and that my being quite bossy prompted him to have an affair.

I want to file a case of marital infidelity under RA 9242, citing psychological violence, but I know this will destroy our family. He promised to just support the child and leave the girl.

Our family’s future is dependent on my decision—whether to keep it intact or be ready to break it up.

—Mrs. Confused

Having a fling to have a son is truly a cowardly excuse! Is the child sure to be a boy? If not, will he and his girlfriend keep on trying until she gives him one?

Isn’t your family already broken with your husband impregnating another woman? You may all be living under one roof, having him physically in your bedroom, but where’s his heart? Where’s his mind?

He may promise never to see this woman again until he grows feathers—but words are just words, cheap, light as air and easily forgotten.

How much longer will you be constantly looking surreptitiously at your husband’s cell phone for incriminating messages? How much stress can you bear resorting to all these humiliating acts? As a writer once said, “You can’t run this marriage on a hope and a prayer.”

You’re definitely between a rock and a hard place. Either he remains with you and your two children and possibly—with or without your consent—support the woman and her child till heaven knows when. Or he can leave you to start this new family he has created, and everyone moves on.

Can you handle a clean break from your errant husband without falling apart? Your daughters are themselves now on their way to maturity, and one will soon be having a life of her own. Should you decide to make the ultimate sacrifice of letting your husband go, initially you’ll feel bitter and rudderless, seeing only a long lonely road looming ahead. But the flip side of this nightmare is freedom and the opening of new possibilities for you.

Ask yourself how you can rebuild you and your damaged psyche. What can you bear more—being alone on a new journey? Or sticking together as a family and hanging by a thread—with just a shell-of-a-husband for company? You’re a big girl. Think. What can you live with?

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