DEAR EMILY,

I met a Canadian man on a dating site four years ago. He is 53 years old, divorced, with two grown kids. He is financially stable and works as a financial consultant.

I am 48 years old, and also with a financial company in Manila.

Our first three months of communication were exciting and interesting. It was not difficult to fall in love with him.

He is intelligent, hardworking, fun, caring, compassionate, committed.

He said he was smitten by my simplicity, faith, concern for family, and positive outlook.

Three months of communication led to his proposal and a letter to my mom asking permission to court and marry me.

He came but stayed only three days instead of the scheduled one week due to numerous problems—his return ticket, lost luggage, etc.

He met my siblings on the second day, and gave me a diamond engagement ring later in the evening.

During the day, we strolled around the CCP grounds, feasted on Filipino dishes, and went shopping.

He promised my family that he would return for our wedding.

But at the airport, his behavior confused me. He was so cold and did not even kiss me goodbye. We just hugged and he went inside the departure area without looking back.

Christmas and New Year came, and I only received two e-mails. I sent lots of letters, e-cards, pictures, but nothing from him. He was missing in action/incommunicado/in silent mode. There was no sign of him.

He responded a few months later, but he did not provide any explanation for his long absence. I did not ask questions. I was just so happy with his resurrection.

Then he went online regularly again, and we talked for hours before he went to sleep. Last July he went on an Asian trip, with plans of a Philippine side trip. I was excited to see him once again, but the Philippine leg was canceled. During this tour, he again went on silent mode. He said he did not bring his laptop, and the Internet was difficult where they went.

He promised to send me a travelogue, which never came. I feel he is no longer interested, though he said he loves me and cares for me.

When I asked him about his plans for the future, he talked about his plans, but no mention of me or us. Is this person really serious?

He does not like to share his personal life and changes the topic when asked—but he likes to probe about mine.

He is very generous with his money but not with his time and words. He said I am not like the other Filipino women who ask foreigners for money.

It’s not my style to be dependent on anybody. I have a job, and my salary is enough to pay for my keep.

He confuses me when he goes on silent mode. He goes online only when he wants to and gets irritated when I am not. Sometimes he is so caring, so attentive, but also lashes out at me with his hurtful comments.

I told him to apologize and choose his words carefully, but he does not like being corrected and assumes that he is always right.

Then he made a video of us, and it was so inspiring. How do you explain this kind of behavior? Is he for keeps, or is he just playing with my emotions? I’ve been praying so hard for the success of this relationship, and I am hoping for a happy ending with him.

He has experienced a failed marriage. Is this one of its effects—trust issues?

PRAYERFUL WOMAN

My dear girl, has your rose-colored perspective of him addled your mind so that you refuse to see the yawning void right in front of your nose?

The sounds you heard from him were just phantom words you can’t hang on to—not even with the flimsiest thread from a spider’s web. Though innocuous as dust in the wind, they spelled misery for you, nonetheless.

You’re 48, assumed to have the wisdom of a mature woman, yet still behaved like a teenager experiencing the first flush of love! How blind could you have been?

Did you really expect a sublime and lasting relationship with this stranger, via the tenuous link of Skype or Viber? Did you consider the three days he spent with you enough to entrust him with your love and possibly your life?

He may have been generous with his money, but he used it so cheaply to blind you into believing his empty talk of a committed relationship.

Yes, your guess about his being divorced leading to his distrust of new relationships may be spot on. And his cheap shot that Filipino women are there for the money may be what niggled his mind.

He may have been seriously attracted to you when you first talked on the Internet.  But that first meeting must have been the clincher. You didn’t impress him. Sad to conclude, but he didn’t particularly like what he saw in you.

Cutting his visit short because of problems he could have easily solved was just BS and didn’t hold water. He could have swum back to Canada if he wanted to, just to spend more time with you. Instead, he chose the easiest escape—to lie and gain the sympathy of an ersatz girlfriend.

Your heart already knew the answer way before you even wrote your first sentence to me. There was nothing there for you. Much as you tried, you never had a chance with him. Nothing.

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