DEAR EMILY,

I am 35 years old and married for eight years—no kids. My wife is only two years younger than me. My problem started five years ago when I had my first affair with an older woman. I was 30 then and she was 45. She was separated from her husband and had two grown children living with her who were both professionals. I found security and maturity in my older lover. It felt good to be with someone who didn’t have any inhibitions and was not childish.

Our relationship lasted nearly a year until my wife caught me red-handed through my e-mails. I admitted my mistake and, though I broke up my affair, I also lost my desire for my wife.

Then, a year ago, I met this lady in an employment agency for OFWs. She is five years older than me and a single mom with two kids from different fathers. She is a wonderful lady and we really got along well. I fell in love with her because she has the qualities that I know will make me happy for the rest of my life. My wife found out about this girl and we fought about her.

I haven’t admitted my feelings to this new girl. I am worried that our friendship would complicate the fact that I am still married. Since I met this girl, I’ve never made love to my wife.

In five months, this new girl and I will be leaving for abroad and start a new career there. We will be staying in the same house offered by our agency. My wife can only be with me after I’ve settled in my own place in about six months. I want to break up with my wife while I am trying to rebuild myself. My wife really loves me, but I don’t feel the same way toward her anymore.

Should I leave her before I leave for abroad, or just let fate to take its course? Is it still right to be with someone you don’t love anymore and spend the rest of your life with her just because you are married, despite not having kids?

—Miserable OFW

No, it’s not right! Honesty is still the best policy. Why prolong this charade of a marriage if there’s no love left anymore for one of you. Tell your wife how you really feel about her. It will hurt her like crazy—her world will clearly come tumbling down—but you’d be giving her another lease in life.

What future is there to look forward to in this marriage? There is no love or children to hold you together! You may have been in love once, but you have turned into two strangers bound together by just a piece of paper called a marriage certificate. What a farce.

As for this new woman—you’ve only met her recently and already you are proclaiming she has the qualities that will make you happy for the rest of your life? Truly and honestly? Why then did she have two kids from two fathers? Doesn’t that tell you a bit about her impulsive or indecisive character? Can she see forever with you in her horizon as you do her in yours?

There’s much too much hypocrisy in the world, and adding one more is utterly unconscionable.

Your wife may call you cruel for telling her the truth. However, it is oftentimes kinder to be cruel in matters of the heart. That one sharp blow that’ll cut off the onset of a protracted suffering—it’s not nice, but kinder.

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