Dear Emily,

I have been married for 30 years to a good man. Our marriage has had more downs than ups, relating to financial struggles which we have overcome.

Recently, I found my husband communicating with his ex via Facebook Messenger. He addresses her as “my little pumpkin” and other endearments. This ex also figured early on in our marriage when I found snail mail from her in reply to my husband’s letter, after he tracked her down and told her he was glad to have finally found her.

When I asked why he felt the need to reach out to her, he downplayed it as harmless and innocent, saying it was just a throwback to when they lived together. It was easier to believe his B.S. when he promised to stop communicating with her.

I need enlightenment because, when pressed for answers, he gets irate, swears and professes his unconditional and undying love for me. Is this normal? Acceptable? Can he be wanting, unhappy and discontented in our marriage that he goes back to a happier past?—Troubled Wife

He may be undergoing the restlessness of a midlife crisis, and simply feeling nostalgic. It’s not surprising to look back and reminisce at the joys of lost youth, especially with someone he shared a life with long ago.  They were young then, full of hope and adventure.

Why fret? If he felt she was the one, why didn’t he marry her instead of you? Something must have happened between them that tipped the scale in your favor. He married you and his name is now securely affixed to yours so settle down.

Thirty years is a long time, proving his loyalty and his love in this relationship. Unless there is a rot that’s starting to burrow in your marriage perhaps?

Worry if this communication between your husband and his ex continues behind your back. But if all your references are merely based in the past with no newer versions, give it a pause and refrain from pursuing creative thoughts. Let sleeping dogs lie. Sometimes, all we need is a breather from the mundane.

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