Just like the average person, I closely follow the triumphs and tribulations of the test kitchen fam on the Bon Appétit channel.

I got hooked on it some time ago because of Brad, the gentle giant with a fermentation station. When I see “wourder” pop up on screen, I feel like I am part of a loving cult.

So I was struck with utter bafflement when the latest episode of It’s Alive was basic AF: fermented citrus fruits?! Vacuum-sealed kumquats salted with the mathematical precision of moving two decimal digits is an episode?

https://www.instagram.com/p/B1ePIpuBnrt/

And just because it’s simple doesn’t mean I’ll do it. If I was looking for something I can cook myself, I won’t go on Youtube; I’d get my Nigella hard drive from my password-protected safe.

I’m never going to make mozzarella from scratch! As far as I’m concerned the best pizza is Angel’s. Yet I’m here.

To be very clear, I’m here for the things I will never do. I need kombucha on the floor!

Anyway, if there’s anything important I learned from this episode, it’s that lizards don’t like you. They just wish they were big enough to eat you.

Header photo via @brad_leone on Instagram