Friendship, they say, has many seasons.

At midlife, we realize that there are the friends we have kept through the years, and also those who have, by choice or circumstance, opted to leave.

In every season of life, new friends are made. I was comforted by this thought as I sat over dinner one evening. I hit it off immediately with two other women who were friends of an old girlfriend. My heart was warmed by the thought that this circle of sisterhood had expanded.

It’s good to have many circles of friends, and from various generations. From my older friends who are like my ate (older sisters), I have learned wisdom, patience and fortitude. From the younger ones, I have learned to be bolder and more accepting and tolerant of many things.

There are the friends we have from our elementary school years—those who have known us during our purest and simplest selves. I have several of these sisters, and they keep me grounded. They, too, are the ones who have walked with me in my valleys and shared my joys at the summit.

There are sisters from work, from my writing circle and from my advocacies. Sometimes, the circles overlap and it’s always wonderful when I get them all together and we find that we all hit it off wonderfully.

Friendships that are tried and true stand the test of time, space and trials. It is in crisis when you really, truly know who your real friends are. You know they’ve got your back and you respect one another’s boundaries.

Passionate

Men can argue until they are blue and can come from opposite sides of the political spectrum and yet remain good friends. Unfortunately, women being wired the way we are, that’s not always an easy road to tread.

I saw this recently when the Ateneo held its Sanggunian elections and tempers flared. Some friendships going back to kindergarten were terribly fractured. The scenario is true not just for college-age students; I don’t know how many friendships have broken up during election season.

It’s not that one person is bad. No, there isn’t any good cop or bad cop here, it’s just that when people are so passionate about what they believe in, they sometimes forget to tread lightly on other people’s feelings.

Real accomplishment

I have learned not to argue with my woman friends on this. Topics such as race, religion, sex and sexuality, and politics are topics I try to avoid, especially if I know that my friends have a strong dissenting opinion on it.

“Change topic. Mag-aaway lang tayo,” I would say. And the peace is maintained, the friendship saved.

I read somewhere that it doesn’t matter what you get done if you’ve undone a heart in the process,  and that, truly, there are no real accomplishments apart from relationships. I’ve lost a few friends simply because we couldn’t keep our tongues in check. The years have taught me to be kinder.

I suppose it’s also because people evolve and interests change. What you were passionate about in your 20s may be something you turn your back on in your 40s. And so, as you grow, sometimes you grow apart, too. Along the way, some friendships get restored, but some are never the same.

Straightforward

The other day, I was reading a devotional on how to become a better friend. I found these four steps to be simple and straightforward.

1. People are the priority: In any relationship, the person is truly the priority. No matter how busy, always try to set aside sometime for sisterhood. Bad hair days and hormones can sometimes make you flaky. When schedules change, give a decent and believable explanation and make sure to reset your date.

2. Live maskless: Bare your faults and foibles and the messy laundry room. The only way to look into another soul is to be transparent yourself. I have found that when I am honest about the things I have been through, it’s like a magic door that also allows me to enter into the heart of another. Vulnerability takes a lot of courage, but it is also the best way to forge an enriching and deep friendship with another.

3. Speak life: Share freely of your feelings, because this may just free us of the prisons of protection we’ve bound ourselves in. If you feel safe with your friend, you let your guard down, knowing that the stories you share will be kept in trust.

Speak only words that make souls stronger. Do not diss and speak ill of anyone. Instead lift one another and speak well of everyone. Laughter, Annie Lamott wrote, is carbonated holiness. Let your laughter bind your friendship, but let it not be at the expense of another.

4. Make time and get together: For the sisters of my heart, I always try to make time no matter how busy I am. There are friends I make a point to see monthly, some quarterly, and others, because of our very busy lives, semi-annually. Technology is such that it helps us keep in touch, but the downside is that, sometimes, we also rarely make the effort to really sit down to a meal or even for coffee and bask in the warmth of one another.

No amount of text messages or private messages will compensate for the joy of sitting quietly with a sister, listening to her pour her heart out or to her peals of laughter, or experiencing the warmth of a hug. May we always find time in our busy lives for the people who truly matter.

“Friendship is the only thing that will show up at our funerals.” Let’s not wait until it’s too late. Write that e-mail, call that friend and set that date today.

E-mail the author at [email protected], follow her on Twitter @cathybabao