DEAR EMILY,
My husband had a stroke three months ago, and I cannot wait for him to die.
We’ve been married 35 years and all those years were miserable and bitter in my memory. I was a docile wife who waited on and catered to my husband’s every whim. But he repaid it horribly by being an awful husband. He battered me physically and emotionally. He disrespected and humiliated me in front of his women. He went from one girlfriend to another, had five children out of wedlock, and only cared for himself.
We had three children and he was not even a good father to them. I don’t think he even remembered our children’s birthdays. He was constantly out of the house and he was so creative, he could have written a book of excuses from A to Z. My children got so used to his absence that they have stopped expecting him at home or during family gatherings. We created our little family ourselves, without him. Thankfully, he gave us monthly spending money.
Then, a year and a half ago, without warning, this man who was full of life collapsed in the company of one of his girlfriends. He was brought to the hospital and I had to go as the wife. He had a massive stroke that left him paralyzed and unable to talk. It’s only his eyes that can seem to communicate. Our children barred any visits from any of his girlfriends. I think his women were just too happy to dump him on us after he became useless to them.
He has round-the-clock nurses to care for him. My visits are half-hearted and robot-like, just to see if there’s anything needed. I didn’t even shed crocodile tears or utter consoling words to him. He has left my life a long time ago, and there’s just no sympathy or empathy left in me anymore. Friends are shocked at how callous I act. Some say I should show more concern and pity. I’m done with that. My tears have dried up and I just see a useless man waiting for his death. He broke my heart and turned it into stone. He stole my youth. I am what I am because of him.
Am I committing a sin being hard on my husband? What do you think my karma will be?
—Stone Heart
Talk about love going down the sewer. You’re hard and must have had a truly miserable life. Whew! And wow!
But, you’re only human, and unless you have designs on being canonized in Rome by turning the other cheek, don’t force yourself into doing anything that is not to your liking. Be true to yourself, say what you mean, mean everything you say—and believe that the good spirits in the universe will conspire to do right by you.
It’s a huge struggle just trying to overcome every bump in the road, every hill that comes along. Who is to say or judge that what you are doing to your husband is bad or horrible?
Karma, you ask? Karma is the law of boomerang. It returns to you exactly what you give out—not an ounce less, not an ounce more. It would be so nice to punch him while he’s down, poison him and just exact your revenge on him. But for what? Won’t that only continue the endless cycle of bitterness and unhappiness in your lives?
Your husband definitely is having a lot on his plate now. His body may be paralyzed and his voice, quiet, but his mind must be whirling at the speed of light, analyzing and regretting the life he has led, pleading and praying to the heavens to end his misery now, or possibly give him another chance to rectify his mistakes.
You are much luckier, because despite the hell he gave you, your mind and body are still intact and free to do whatever else you want in life.
Why not take the high road and prove to him how you’ve remained the better person despite everything? You don’t have to go out of the way to do anything special. Just bring out the good he himself has locked in you all these years. Be the helpful Samaritan you know you’re capable of being. Show him the kindness and generosity you’d extend to a stranger in need.
If he is truly on death’s door, this transformation in you might ease his mind and allow his spirit to move on and be at peace at last. He can now stop struggling and fighting the regrets he has done in his life.
Or, finding your kindness once again, this might improve his health tremendously and bring him back to life unexpectedly. Never underestimate the gift of kindness.
Besides, it’s so counterproductive to just stare hard at him and wish him dead! If it’s not his time, you might as well wait till you grow wings to make it happen.
So, are you still going to remain in the mire and wallow in your misery? Or would you rather move on and allow your spirit to soar with your good wishes for him?
To quote the Buddha: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one who gets burned.”
E-mail [email protected] or [email protected]
—Subject: Lifestyle.
