Sitting in a family court several months ago, I was struck by a poster that the judge had hung on her wall.
It was The 10 Commandments for Separated Parents, written a few years back for this paper by a young woman who, in all probability, had gone through the experience with her own parents.
It was warm, wise and witty. It certainly made a lot of sense, written by a “soldier-child” who had gone through the battle of warring parents.
Transitions are always difficult, and the ideal scenario would certainly be to leave as little collateral damage as possible. Yes, it is possible to peacefully coexist, and co-parent, no matter what has transpired before a separation or annulment.
But also, it takes two mature adults to navigate this difficult period without having to drag the children into a war where, in essence, no one really wins.
The issue of time spent with each parent is always a battleground, all the more if one of the parents is an unhappy camper out to use the kids as leverage, which must never, ever be the case.
Dr. Steven Spector, an adjunct assistant professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at Wayne State University School of Medicine, says “the most successful parents are the most mature… the best co-parenting is when sometimes, one spouse will defer to the other if it’s more important to them.”
Listening, therefore, is key—to yourself, to your children and to your ex.
When heads are cool, you both need to decide and settle, in the most amicable way, the amount of time the children will spend with each parent—and where “home base” is.
Plan the weeks ahead of time, mark them in all your calendars. This is very important for holidays, vacations, school breaks and three-day week-ends. Once a plan is made, stick to it so as not to confuse the children.
Go slow. Things after a split are always bumpy, tempers flare and nerves are more frayed than usual. If communicating via text and e-mail rather than through the phone or face to face is easier or more manageable, so be it.
Depending upon the circumstances that caused the split, many things are often taken personally. It always helps to limit what you say, and how often you keep in contact.
However, it is very important, unless there is legal grounds to keep the other parent away, that both parents be present in their children’s lives. Keep the initial conversations centered on discussing the children’s welfare.
There must be respect at all times. There must never be, as much as possible, badmouthing of the ex or burdening a child with the gory details of a breakup.
Public feuds
I have heard horror stories of very public feuds, or of one spouse hitting the other in the presence of the children. Yelling at your ex in front of your kids is bad enough—can you imagine the damage caused by physical violence?
It’s very important during this difficult period to find a trusted confidante, a counselor or therapist to vent and process your feelings. Your responsibility is to shield your children from the difficulties arising from a difficult separation.
Consistency in discipline, rules and schedules is important. A child must never be made to feel that “in mom’s house” or “in dad’s presence,” he or she can get away with murder. Doing so will only create greater animosity among family members.
Seek therapy alone and apart. Sounds strange? But if you cannot get along enough to peacefully co-parent your children, it is important to seek the help of a counselor who can guide you both on what you need to work on to parent in peaceful coexistence.
Again, it takes an open mind, an open heart, and two individuals who are mature enough to set aside pride and prejudice to parent the children who will forever be theirs to share.
Let’s face it—it’s a reality that many couples today, unfortunately, aren’t able to stay together “until death did them part.” However, your children are yours until you leave this earth, and everything you say or do, every behavior you model, will impact their lives.
It’s unkind to saddle your children with your emotional baggage. By parenting them well, perhaps, ironically, even better now that you are apart, you leave them a gift they will bring into their own relationships.
You may have been a lousy wife or a deadbeat husband, but it’s never too late to become a caring father or mother.
Lastly, pray for guidance and equanimity in accepting and respecting what is. Families do not end just because separations or annulments take place. It’s still possible for a family to take a different shape and form, despite the circumstances.
Sometimes, strangely, when two people truly work hard at it, peace can be brought forth from a time of war, producing children who, when healed, grow into more resilient, caring, compassionate and sensitive adults than their parents ever were.
Follow the author on Twitter @cathybabao or e-mail [email protected]
