Dear Emily,

I’m a single dad, 45 years old, with two minor kids living with me. I have a stable job abroad and I take care of my kids’ personal and education needs. I have a good and close relationship with them and I’m happy that they are doing good in school.

I’m also in a relationship with a single mother who is about my age, with one minor daughter whom I love and consider one of my own. My problem is her (my girlfriend’s) attitude toward my kids. I’ve noticed she has no motherly concern or love for them and is always blatantly critical, which hurts me most as a father.

I’m just wondering as to where this relationship will lead us, and whether I should consider her relationship with my children as a red flag for a not-so-happy ending for us as a family in the future? I love my girlfriend but I also have my children depending on me. I need your direct and honest opinion.

—Ric

Is she as critical and as un-motherly to her own child? Is she—to use your word, blatantly—that way across the board, not treating one child less or more different than the other? She’s probably just one critical person who feels negative about everything.

But if she favors her own more than your kids, enough to create much discord and unhappiness in your household, then you have a problem. Your children are in their formative years, and any breach in their feelings of security is your responsibility. This is completely and absolutely nonnegotiable!

You felt her bad vibes toward your children. There is this red flag waving inside your mind, rattling your being enough to take notice. What more warnings do you want your gut to show you?

You’re not tied down to her yet. You still have the freedom to think hard about your future with this woman and its effect on your kids. Lovers come and go, no matter how deliriously wonderful they seem. Your feelings for her may just be a fever that can turn cold and dissipate in a moment’s notice when reality knocks you in the head.

Your children are here to stay, come what may. They don’t have the capacity to judge and decide their fate in this relationship—but you have, honestly!

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