DEAR EMILY,
I have a very toxic relationship with my mother. Based on articles I’ve read, she fits the character of the emotional vampire. I’m aware that she’s been through tough times herself, that’s why she has become this person.
Sometimes I question my sanity and wonder if I’m the one who’s actually at fault. I’m afraid I will become like her and treat my future children the same way she’s treating me now. They say an abusive parent creates abusive children.
I pray that this cycle will stop. I want to be enlightened on how I can face her on a daily basis knowing that something negative will always prevail in our home.
I don’t want this bad blood between us forever, because she’s still my mother. I want her to know that, despite all the hurtful things she’s said and done, I will always love her.
DEPRESSED DAUGHTER
This problem with your mother is experienced manifold by millions of daughters and sons everywhere. She may have given birth to you, breast-fed you, stayed up sleepless hundreds of nights worrying when you were sick, agonized when you were away—yet differences manifest themselves eventually by having this acrimonious relationship once you’ve grown.
Why? Because you’re still two different people regardless of your shared bloodlines, and somehow, it becomes a constant tug of personalities. She’s low, you’re high; she’s sad, you’re happy; she’s worried, you couldn’t care less; she’s livid, you’re perplexed.
If there’s no meeting of minds and hearts at any time when you two lock eyes, trouble simply will happen. You’re probably these oil and water characters who will never mix well together.
But surprisingly enough, there are those maternal strangers we feel immediately drawn to and fall in love with at hello. Your mother is just not one of those toward you.
Bear her out, as she might be carrying a load you just don’t know about or probably will never hear of. How is her health? Have you even wondered if she is feeling a physical pain so bad, she’s hiding it from everyone? How are her finances? Is she employed or entitled to a pension or regular allowance? If there’s not much to draw on, could she be wracking her brain where to get it?
We’re on an Easter egg hunt here because a person, your mother, can’t be entirely this vampire you refer to without rhyme or reason. Nobody is simply bad or unreasonable without the need to be. There’s always an explanation behind every nook and cranny of a person’s behavior. All these are, of course, blown out the window if there is actually something wrong with her mind.
Can you try being just nice to her for a change? No matter how horribly she behaves first thing in the day, just be nice. Instead of going tit for tat with her, stay quiet
—not the grudging quiet, but the nice quiet that radiates from your eyes.
Be that way for a few days. Let her know that no provocation from her will light your fire.
Remember the saying, “Catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?” She might be merely needing some understanding from someone, and not have to gear up for battle constantly at a moment’s notice. Allow her room to breathe, and let her be aware of it. These are just little itty-bitty stuff that can go a long way. Just give her some slack.
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