I met this guy in the ’90s when we were both stationed in another country as expats. He was a diplomat in his 40s and I worked for an airline. We were both single. After we met through a friend, we started seeing each other. I had my own apartment, and he was free to visit me.

I found it strange that I could call him at home yet he never invited me to his house or to any embassy function. He’d see me twice a month and then I would not hear from him at all. He’d call long distance when he was traveling and say he would be back in a few days’ time. I never questioned him on anything, because I wasn’t sure where I stood with him.

Then I didn’t hear from him at all for a couple of years. I heard from a friend that he had left his post, and was assigned somewhere in the Eastern Bloc.

One night, I received a call and it was him, asking me how I was. I pretended everything was well, though I felt hurt and angry. After that I went back to the Philippines for good.

Fifteen years later, again I received his call in 2018, saying he was in Manila and wanted to meet me. He said he was still single and retired already. He said it took him one month to locate me, and only on social media.

Though I still had feelings for him, I thought things should now change. I decided I will not be weak anymore. The last time we talked, he asked if we could meet in Europe this summer. Then this April, he sent a message that he was in Thailand, but didn’t tell me to join him there, though he reiterated the invitation to Europe.

I’m in a dilemma about the whole situation. I was already at peace with myself and had accepted my situation with him. Now I’m being gnawed at again by questions and doubts.

This affair is making me wonder if he’s just playing around and doesn’t really want any commitment. Does he just want a woman like me to wait on him hand and foot? Is he worth waiting for? Until when?

CONFUSED LADY

What? You still aren’t sure what your role is in his life after all these years of being his doormat? You’ve basically installed a revolving door, allowing him that privilege all these years. You accepted his ways with nary a word, and always laid out the red carpet whenever he called. You spoiled him rotten, and what insensitive heartless man wouldn’t exploit that entitlement to the hilt?

Had you wanted it, you could have set some parameters early on to make him know the general lay of the land—not necessarily a binding commitment, just some nuances to let him know you’re not there for his free dessert. The horses have already left the barn for you to be thinking of installing the locks now.

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with your relationship with him because you are both consenting adults having consensual sex. What’s difficult for you this time is suddenly wanting to lay down rules, like making something out of nothing this late in the day. He never promised you a rose garden, and you never demanded one. To him, you just enjoyed each other’s company, and that was enough for him to never look for anything more.

If you want to move on from him completely, do it now. Stop entertaining his calls and avoid these sleep-overs for good.

He’s single, basically a free man, and yet hasn’t made any move to make any commitment all these years. He probably has a myriad reasons he couldn’t—but enough already. He has hurt you this long and the pain doesn’t feel right anymore. Take it for what it is and accept it for what it is: a friendship with benefits.

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