Dear Emily,
My husband and I are in our 60s, have four children with families of their own. My husband grew up poor. He and his siblings worked in difficult jobs to go to college.
We were happy struggling as newlyweds. He was a devoted husband and father. He is a self-made man who built a successful business. We live in an affluent part of the city, and on weekends, alternate between our home by the sea or by the mountain. Our garage is filled with the cars he dreamed of while growing up.
We’re living both a dream and a nightmare. Our comfortable life wouldn’t sustain our relationship. We were in our late 40s when the quality of our marriage diminished. It started slowly and came to a point where we’d have sex only twice or three times a year.
Hugging and kissing were never part of it. I began to grow lonely, irritable and very unhappy. I tried talking to him about our relationship, but he’d wave me away and laugh that it’s all hormonal on my part. I’ve heard of his womanizing, even have a proof of a love nest he kept, but he’d just say I’m crazy when confronted.
I know women only wanted his money and not because of him being a good lover. He is lazy in bed, and not at all romantic. He couldn’t be bothered satisfying them. I should know.
And I am not afraid of losing any money on them. My name is on all our properties and it will be difficult for any of them to lure him into marriage.
We have been sleeping in separate rooms because of his snoring and my being a very light sleeper. My anxiety is making me sick. He has his own health issues, but he’s confident I will be there to take care of him.
The wealth we built has not made us any happier, or loving, or content. There is a huge vacuum in our life and we can’t seem to fill it. Neither of us want a separation.
But I am getting older and I don’t want to grow old with a husband who is never going to be there for me.—Unhappy
There are pros and cons to sleeping apart in a marriage. Snoring can really be a pain and most partners—men or women —are not able to get used to the roar of the airport inside their bedroom. Some marriages improve in having separate bedrooms and become the better of it. But it’s obviously different strokes for different folks.
It’s clear to understand your loneliness and unhappiness in this relationship, and your husband must be made aware of the problem. Hugging and kissing ARE integral to it! Even animals that fly in the air, live on land and at sea court each other before the sex act—how much more with people?
In one instance, the female in one species of a tiny fish which just swim aimlessly in the water, are ruled by emotions, too (https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-7130869/Fish-pessimistic-lovesick-theyre-torn-apart-true-lover-researchers-find.html).
It might help if your husband watches documentaries of animals doing exactly the supposed courtship in the wild. They’re breathtaking, stunning and a source of wonderment.
Touch is one sensation that heals, soothes and conveys feelings that are difficult to put into words. It’s a simple gesture that can provoke a wealth of results.
Show him the way if you want change to happen—it’s never too late to start. Material wealth is only a palliative remedy to some problems. It can never replace the emotional contentment you are seeking.
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